After a rest day, I set off on my second run after plantar fasciitis recovery.

I ran 3 miles without pain before or after. Good run, right?

Wrong.

Unaware of the roller coaster to come

I pride myself on my stoicism, my even-keel. I’m slow to anger, and often smiling.

Within the first few steps, anger overwhelmed me.

My feet felt fine.

Instead of rejoicing, I was mad at myself. Could I have started running sooner? Should I have stopped running at all?

I was so angry. And I didn’t know why.

I was angry that the park was still dismantled for track construction. I took off into the neighborhoods.

I passed other runners, a month into their long-distance training. Running further than me, better than me, sweating less than me, wearing expensive gear and clothes. And here I am so far behind, dragging a senior dog, near unexplainable tears.

If only I knew more. If only I could get healthcare when I needed it. If only I was a better runner.

If only I pushed myself more.

At this point, everything was setting me off. The perfectly manicured yards with color-coordinated decor on their front porch. People with their lives, time, and money under control. I thought of my dying lawn, tall weeds, and the damn bush that threatens to take over the front yard. If only there were more hours in the day. If I did more, worked harder, I too could have a perfect life like them.

For 21 minutes, 2 miles, I had a barrage of feelings of inadequacy and anger.

And underneath it all, I was scared out of my mind.

I was afraid that any moment, my feet were going to wrench and I would be back where I started.

Injured.

Unable to do the thing I love.

There it was. I took a deep breath. I pushed away those thoughts of things I could not control.

Running is a release valve.

Feet pounding on the ground in the scorching heat churns up feelings that stoic, even-keeled people have yet to acknowledge.

Anger. Sadness. Inadequacy. Fear.

And it’s okay to feel these things.

At the end of the third mile, I still felt a bit upturned but I understood what happened. Like tilling soil, raw feelings had come to the surface and boiled over.

I felt fresher. I felt ready for renewal.

Maybe that will come next run.